Stop. Pause.... Everything has changed. Everything is different. I wish I could rewind and say goodbye. I have to accept I will have to wait another life time to say thank you. You were always there. Anytime. You didn't need to say much. It was your mere presence that made me feel protected and safe from the harshness of the world. You knew how to live and get on with life, regardless of your own wounds. Maybe that's what gave you your own strength. You kept on living. You were a voice of wisdom. You could have been having a shit day but you knew how to get on with things. You knew me like the back of your hand. Your advice was always spot on. I would listen and take it on board. I admired what you had to say. You were strong. Strong in character. Strong in family. Strong in life. I sit here looking at view of the Italian alps- a place in the north of Italy. The 360 degree view landscape is lined with breathtaking mountains, reaching up to heaven. You can feel the soul of these mountains. They have wisdom. They stand tall, like ancient warriors protecting the land. As I close my eyes, I feel their drumming deep within my heart. It brings a sense of familiarity to me. You will always be like these mountains. Forever guiding me. Forever being that inner voice of wisdom. Forever in my heart. Till we meet again.
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Today was a special day for me. A significant milestone where I truly realised I had turned a corner. Every self help book I have read or therapist I have spoken to always advised of a roller coaster journey one goes through with divorce. A very close friend of mine once said "It's going to knock you to shit and change you, but we will get you through this."
Almost 20 months since I jumped onto the 'Divorce' roller coaster, I find myself standing on top of the bell tower of the duomo in Florence! A breathtaking sight of rolling hills, vineyards in the distance and terracotta roofs lining the streets. As I walk clockwise around to take in the spectacular view, I'm facing the cathedral dome. I flash back to my "once upon a time" adventure. A time only 5 years ago which seems so foreign. I look at the dome. I close my eyes and say a prayer. A prayer of thanks to God for helping me and blessing me with the lessons served. I ask for peace for my past. Later that afternoon around 5pm, I lined up at the cathedral. I'm hoping to go in and light a candle. Without realising, I'm waiting in the line to go up the 400 or so stairs of the cathedral dome. It was not until I was inside and my ticket was scanned, that I was ushered up the stairwell. Tired and hot, I managed to make it to the ledge of the inside of the dome. The inside of the dome is truly remarkable! Paintings ascending to heaven! As I started to climb the final 100 or so steps, I thought back to the last time I made this climb. The last time I was here I was frightened by the steep narrow staircase that circled around the dome. I remembered feeling claustrophobic by the tight space to climb. My hands were red and sweaty from holding the railing so tight. Today was different. I knew I could do this. A little scared by the steep incline and small narrow space, I took one step after another. I kept on climbing, determined with each step. Finally as I reached the top, I stood there to take it all in. Over the past 12 months, I have continued to walk forward. At times, I have felt like life smacked me down, but continued to face forward. I have come so far since my "once upon a time". I felt proud. During that evening, I was eating gelato in the piazza and listening to the beautiful violin melodies of a local busker. He was excellent. The crowds had gathered. Then he played a familiar tune- "Somewhere over the rainbow". It sent shivers down my spine. Almost exactly 6 years ago to the day (1 or 2 days give or take), I sat in a very different place, listening to this melody. Now, on the other side of the world, despite the obstacles I have encountered, I have continued to walk forward. I can climb those stairs. I can listen to that song. I can do those things without the wrench in my heart. Life amazes me. The passage of time amazes me. I close my eyes and see the lit candle in my heart.
I think back on the days I decided that it was time to walk away. There wasn't one particular moment that I decided... "Okay that's enough- time to go". It was a long drawn out process where I tried so very hard to hang on.
There are however, a few moments towards the end that I do recall and they stick so clearly in my mind like it was yesterday. These, I feel I will always carry with me despite all attempts to block it. When I sit here and think back to those moments, my whole body becomes numb. There is no good or bad feelings... Just numb. All my tears have dried up. Whilst an empty feeling stays with me, I ask the question 'why?' Why did it all happen? What gave me the strength to take that step? The other day, I sat at a tube station in London, the same place I sat almost 3 years ago. I asked the exact same questions.... How much my life has changed! How much my life has evolved! The person I am now wouldn't even recognise the person I was back then. Again, I thought about the times that I decided it was time to put me first. To honour and love my path in life. To start another chapter where I would take ownership of my journey and always be true to myself. Now, as I begin to finalise this chapter of renewal and return home, I thank life for it's blessings. The grace that has poured into my life flows with strength, unity and truth. I've been in a dark place before- The cold air of the night slowly destroying your worth and the bitter loneliness eats away at your mind... At the time; this place where every day was a struggle, was darker than I even realised. It's only now that I stand in warmer days, that my eyes see differently and my heart drums louder than ever before. With the beginning of a new spring, time has healed old wounds and brought lessons, reflection and wisdom. Life has happened but it also left scars. It only takes a moment... A reminder... A trigger... It can be something so minute... And I am reminded of a world that was once my norm. It takes is a brief moment to gain perspective of what was and reality. I sometimes am amazed at how the human mind can be conditioned. I sometimes became angry of how life can serve such sorrow. I sometimes ignored it, putting it out of my mind and immersing myself in other things. I sometimes felt a sense of guilt and carried this burden heavy on my shoulders.
But I now take responsibility for my role. I acknowledge the journey. I choose to embrace my self worth and allow my heart to be whole again. I respect myself by taking care of my body, mind and spirit. I accept the scars as they serve as a reminder of my soul's journey. I accept life and know that whatever comes my way... Everything will be okay. Every story has a beginning - a time where life is so simple and innocent souls see so much beauty in the world. The story evolves into chapters - building on experiences to equip us as we enter the 'real' world as adults. Every chapter makes us grow. Some chapters are intervals while others a spread across multiple series. Some chapters will be filled with tears and others with pure divine love! Every chapter marks another footprint in our story. If you could describe each chapter so far in your story in one word... What would they be? Our story will one day be complete. Let every ounce of your being shine, in every word.... throughout all chapters!
Over the past 10 months, I have been busy having my passport coloured with stamps. I just love it! I love standing in the customs line excited for yet another adventure and quietly reminiscing about the wonderful experiences of my travels together shared with my best friend.
A few hours ago, I was on a bus leaving beautiful Edinburgh after a magical week spent roaming the streets of Old Town. (If you ever have the opportunity to visit, I highly recommend it!) As I was sitting on the bus making it's way to the airport, an older lady seated in front of me was busy taking video footage and pictures of random houses and distant mountains covered in snow. The lady was so intrigued by her surroundings, it was like she couldn't get enough of it before her departure to the airport. She would have taken at least 20 photos in the space of 2 minutes. It got me thinking about a few things... Firstly... it made hear my grandfather's words of "well that's a waste of a picture having no subject in it!" He was always on about having a person in the picture (quite ironic as he really only painted landscapes!) I then started to think about all of the photos I have taken. There are times I do look back on my travel photos. And maybe these will come in handy when I'm old and grey and can look back fondly on life... But every time I am in a new city, new country.. anywhere new... I always take a moment for myself - I acknowledge the beautiful surroundings - the architecture, the history, the landscape, nature, the people I may have encountered, the yummy food I have been lucky to have tried, the aroma of particular foods and spices, the sounds of foreign accents, the laughter and beauty shared with my partner in crime... I take in my surroundings and fill my heart with this love. I hope one day.... when I'm an old lady that I don't have to rely on my photos.... That I can close my eyes, think back like it was yesterday and picture in my mind the beautiful adventures I have been so very fortunate to have had.
Something has been on my mind lately...
The whole concept of putting yourself first. So many people around me say that you should always put yourself first. Friends, family, loved ones, colleagues... All united with this premise. We are regularly reminded of this in our daily lives. Friendly reminders when you get on an aeroplane... In the event of an emergency to ensure you put your oxygen mask first before anyone. When lining up to catch a bus, ensuring that you keep up with the pace otherwise you might miss a seat or even not get on the bus! And then there is the whole... First come first served. You snooze you loose. Society has conditioned everyone to look after ourselves! Maybe I have lived in a shell for most of my life.... But I always put everyone else around me first. I constantly made sure the people around me felt comfortable. There happiness was paramount even before mine. I strived to please everyone around me. I never actually learnt to put myself first. I felt that life will always look after you if you do the right thing and put people first. Kind of like a good karma thing. Sending out positive energy type of thing. Perhaps my position on this matter has shifted. Recently, I met a lovely lady called Jo who practises chinese medicine. We catch up almost on a weekly basis. As Jo puts it, its like your perspective has changed.... Your ideals changed focus when you moved continents... You are now able to see life from a wider lens.... Before it was zoomed up so close that you could not see life fully. Life these days seems so much simpler and so beautiful! Life is not a struggle and everything seems to work out. Recently, someone very close to me back home reminded me of something... 'Magical things happen to beautiful people'. As I'm starting to understand it... It's paramount to put yourself first as long as your intent is of a loving energy. Life will balance itself accordingly. Consider those around you always. Speak with a loving heart. At times, there will be situations where you will need to be assertive. Should you be faced with a situation whereby people around you are unaccepting or become judgmental, as long as your decisions and actions come from your true authentic self, then there is little else you can do. This is their baggage to carry. Their lessons to learn. So, as you wake up every morning, make every day your best. As you breathe in, fill your mind with beautiful thoughts. Listen with you eyes and feel warmth in your heart. If something isn't sitting right, put your hand over your heart and feel the loving energy deep within your soul. As you step forward into daily life, always ensure every step you take is about putting yourself first. Always put yourself first. Life will balance. It always does. |
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